So Begone Tonight

We hit our life’s reset button around the same time,

And therefore started the many parallels of our existence.

We were mentor and student, and eventually friends.

With our interconnected circles, it was inevitable then.

We were two sides of the coin,

And yet we got along like cheese and wine.

We spun around and danced in dizzying lights,

Sang our hearts and feelings out.

We fell in love respectively and got scorned.

But that’s alright, our children were born.

We were each other’s support for years on end,

Until that day I became someone you can’t depend.

So now our connection was severed, our friendship no more.

My laughable excuse for poetry is now just a memorial for what was before.

 

 

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From the Wormhole: Triggered

I made this post a year ago on one of my deleted blogs. It was during one of my worst depressive episodes that led to a lot of challenges both at work and at home. Publishing this as a reminder to avoid going down that path again.

It was either therapy or this. The former wasn’t a viable option because it’s expensive in the country I live in and probably not covered by my healthcare plan.

Depression has been one of my frequent and constant companions. I can only remember a few years of my life that I had optimism, warmth and joy. More or less, my moods ranged from sad, miserable, annoyed or raging mad. I wish I had a redeeming quality I could think of describing myself right now, but so far I’m stumped. I wish I could say that I had empathy for others who are struggle because of my depression, but I’m not there yet. All I see right now is darkness. It’s been years, and that’s all I can see right now.

A conversation earlier today triggered something ugly in me once more. The topic was something about romantic love, that perennially irritating subject. In the past three or four years, I have resolved to shun opportunities leading to, or even  entertaining the mere idea of romance outside of movies, music and literature. After getting pregnant, giving birth, and raising my child as a single parent, I do my best to avoid the possibility of entertaining love in that blasted form. In my head, my mistakes and terrible decisions stemming from that kind of love have already cost me the suspension of my dreams and opportunities leading to it.  The persons involved and situations that happened the last time I fell in love shook me and rattled me. The whole idea of the One or true love is a lie for me so far.

The more I felt despair towards what happened, the more I lost interest in anything I used to take pride and joy in doing. It was like all the creativity, brightness and talent I had was sucked out of me. I felt that there is no way that I can take care or love any other person, for how can someone so hopeless and lifeless love anyone? I can hardly love and take care of myself and my child at present. What more if it was someone else?

Romantic love may work for other people, but not for me. It is not a reality for me. I would rather have my creative streak back, fulfill my dreams, and carve out a life for me and A than believe in a silly fairy tale. Finality and bitterness be damned.

Starting Over

I messed up.

For the last 5 years, that’s what happened. I’ve repeatedly messed up different things in my life and suffered the consequences. Situations and my own behavior/poor decision-making led me down to this rabbit hole I’m in. There are times that I felt like I was only successful at disappointing myself and the people around me. It crushed me whenever I hear about people referring to my lost potential or being sayang.

I detest that word. Sayang. For most people, it’s always a prelude to regret, disappointment or mere worthlessness. If only people knew that people that they refer to as sayang, have struggled so badly to prove that label wrong. Some have succeeded in turning things around, some leave this world in vain. I feel like I’m smack right in the middle of that spectrum. 

I still have some fight in me enough for me to keep going, but on the other hand, the series of failures can drag me down if I’m not mindful enough. I just do what I can with the help of family and friends so I won’t completely lose it. 

So what brings me back here after 3 years of inactivity? Well, I want to fight for my dreams again, not just for my sake this time. I know deep inside that writing is my biggest passion, and it kept me sane which was worked well for the people around me. I never felt worthless whenever I do what I love the most. I want to be in my element again, and maybe I can be of better help to myself and to other people if I write my way towards my purpose once more.

Now let me introduce myself again. I’m Tracee, and this is a piece of my universe. From now on, my introspective, or should I say, ~serious~ posts will have a home here. But if you want to know more about what I do, and what I’m interested in, you can find me at Tracee Eats. Until the next post, which is soon, hopefully.